Monday, December 31, 2007
As 2008 approaches, I feel really empty inside. The feeling of emptiness is horrible, and yet, i seem to have this yearning deep inside me. I want to do something, it's as if i need somebody. I need a special someone to give me a hug and tell me everything's alright. i need just anyone who cares to say it's okay, we're always here for you. It seems everybody is counting down with someone or another, it seem severyone has someone to rely on, or at least someone to spend the last day of 2007. I seem to be alone, yeah i knw theres my family, but they seem so distant. I cant cry in front of them, i cant anything. That's why i'm yearning for someone to fill this empty me. I feel so empty, that i could cry out. I want to scream, scream until i break my voice, scream until i forget all my pain, scream until i am able to get everything off my chest. Because, my heart feels really heavy. It has been a difficult and hard year. I want to erase this year from my memory, ever. I know it's not possible, but i really want to. It's been really unfair for me, and i feel really pitiful. I guess I am pitiful. Holding on to something/one that will nvr come back to me, or nvr be the same. Its 2008 already, the last day of 2007 is always. It's a brand new year, the same old me, the same old feelings, but a brand new start, a brand new goal: Work really hard and score for my EOYs. I can see brilliant fireworks from Marina Bay and also from Mount Faber. Why is that genuine smile that has been lost from my face since then?
Sunday, December 30, 2007
Shit. I'm losing myself. I've been thinking, and know it's quite true. i'm not the same anymore, i can't seem to get high, or crazy or anything. Oh Gosh, i'm crying again. And not because of this. I'm hurt, im still hurting. Not when the stupid me, clicked on smth wrong on facebook. Time and time again, i told myself, not to click on his profile on facebook, because its always on there that i find things that hurt me and make me cry, i've succeeded till now. I accidentally clicked on it, on his damn photo. And i was there, and then i saw it, all the stuff, liek who flirted with him, his hot friends include this one girl we used to quarrel abt. And he says they are just good frnds. All the compare ppl things are abt her, most desirable, hottest, and all. I mean yeah, i know im not supose to care abt this, anymore. But it just hurts. Because im confused again. What exactly does he want. He make me believbe i was his everything, and now, he removed me away from his life, and then aft that make me believe that he still care abt me because of how upset he got when he see the photos, and now this? He told me he didnt use facebook. Right, okay he used ot say i was hot and all. But i really didnt think i was. I mean i was nowhere near it. And right now, on his application, his beloved girl friend is fcking hot. Im jealous, im hurt, i shouldnt be. Im jsut being stupid, i cant help it. I really cant. Im so damn stupid. And now im crying over nothing, but in actual fact, im crying over the hurt that's washing me. i really dont know what he wants. I dont want this pain. i want it to go away, im so tired. Really. If he wants to live without me, so be it, stop this pain. Because i really love him. And i really cant stop myself. I know what i jsut wrote above is stupid, and what im getting so upset over is realyl stupid, and also, not worth crying over for. I know hes not worth it, but he was rly my everythign last time. Saying that 'it's over' to my frnds is easy, because i dont use my heart to say it. but if i do, i wont even be able to say it. And i cant even stop crying now. Oh shit. Somebody save me. i want my life back, i want me back ,the one i used to like.
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
My teeth hurts ): Cuz they started putting this chain thing on me. And the dentist wasn't exactly gentle when he put it on for me. Oh well. This year's christmas felt empty, except for rachelong's company and bernice's present. They are both really sweet besties. Esp when things are cleared up and somehow, i feel that we are more closer now. It's a good feeling. But other than that, it felt empty. Yeah. New year's coming, and i'm dreading it a bit. because it jsut means 2008 is coming. Sec 4, i'm supposed to be excited. After all, no O's, just end of years to really study hard for. And then lots of playing after that. Thats if until JC2 comes. It seems a bit far-fetched to think so far now, but oh well. I'm a person who always think far, well most of the time. I plan ahead, or rather, jsut think abt the future. I suppose it's quite tiring to think abt my current state, because i feel very tired about life. Tired as in the sian kind of tired. Hmm, thinking about it again, i can't wait for sec 4 to come. Then i can concentrate on studies, and yah. Put my mind off certain stuff. but again, it will be hard. Esp february. I'm pathetic. Urgh but i shall not wallow in self-pity. I don't think I'm that kind of person. i suppose i can be happy when i'm with friends i love. But can't help it when my mind runs wild.
Anyway, i hope next year's christmas would be better. Where more ppl actualyl remembers me. i dont feel very remembered this year. i mean like, it hought some people would get presents for me, but i was disappointed? I mean like its the thought tht counts. I actually got presents for every person I'm quite close to in church and in school especially. I even send smses to a lot of people ok! Then -.- Hmm but surprisingly bailu and jasmine smsed me. Yay, it's nice to be rmbed.
Anyway, i hope next year's christmas would be better. Where more ppl actualyl remembers me. i dont feel very remembered this year. i mean like, it hought some people would get presents for me, but i was disappointed? I mean like its the thought tht counts. I actually got presents for every person I'm quite close to in church and in school especially. I even send smses to a lot of people ok! Then -.- Hmm but surprisingly bailu and jasmine smsed me. Yay, it's nice to be rmbed.
Monday, December 24, 2007
Merry Christmas. I've wished a lot of people possible. Just waiting for certain responds and replies.
Sunday, December 23, 2007
This friend or something, told me this, " i was lookign at yoru blog, emo then sudenly happy?"
I'm not sure why, but i got kind of angry. I mean seriously. What do you want me to do. Mope around, waiting and waiting liek a fucktart for some fcking bastard who rejected me and ignored me first? Am i suppose to cry around the entire day, and live my life around him when he didnt want me first? No doubt okay, no doubt i still love him like some idiot, i love him wiht my life damn it. He removed me from his life, cruelly. And all i have done, is socialise a bit more, took SOME FUCKING PICS with some phillipines choir, went kl with my family, and i'm fucking at fault?At least i did not hurt your damn feelings, at least i nvr lied abt who i am going out with, at least up till now, i still love you like shit. At least i nvr stop trying to contact you. At least... And then after jsut these i have done, my efforts and all, you still dont fucking give a shit abt me, you nvr understand and you claim i nvr understand. hey, give me some credit okay, at least i explained and told you all my damn feelings before you turned away, but you nvr did try to talk to me. And you said you had enough, its over. Wtf who are you to say its over, who are you to say you have enough. i should be the one WHO HAS HAD ENOUGH. But yet, im still hopelessly clinging on to this. I relly hate myself for that. I mean after what you have done to me, aft how you left me, you aint worth that waiting. So what the hell am i doing then? looking at your bloody name jsut makes me want to cry. and even as im typing this,m im crying. But do you give a shit? no, its you and your dman life, how you';re messing it up. Weel its your choice. You dont want me in your damn life anymore. So? What can i do. And even if there are guys interested in me right now, I dont give a shit. talking is one thing. Aint you talkign to other girls too now? And you are happily, at least appearing, and you tell me, you are not happy, and i dont understand. and then again you say i am happy, because of how i look. But when i say i am not what i look, you dont believe. you are so damn unreasonable please. You expect me to believ you that you are not happy when you appear happy, but you dont blieve that im not as happy as i look. I got nothing to say.
Please. Even though i do still love you. Let me try to be happy, at least for xmas.
I'm not sure why, but i got kind of angry. I mean seriously. What do you want me to do. Mope around, waiting and waiting liek a fucktart for some fcking bastard who rejected me and ignored me first? Am i suppose to cry around the entire day, and live my life around him when he didnt want me first? No doubt okay, no doubt i still love him like some idiot, i love him wiht my life damn it. He removed me from his life, cruelly. And all i have done, is socialise a bit more, took SOME FUCKING PICS with some phillipines choir, went kl with my family, and i'm fucking at fault?At least i did not hurt your damn feelings, at least i nvr lied abt who i am going out with, at least up till now, i still love you like shit. At least i nvr stop trying to contact you. At least... And then after jsut these i have done, my efforts and all, you still dont fucking give a shit abt me, you nvr understand and you claim i nvr understand. hey, give me some credit okay, at least i explained and told you all my damn feelings before you turned away, but you nvr did try to talk to me. And you said you had enough, its over. Wtf who are you to say its over, who are you to say you have enough. i should be the one WHO HAS HAD ENOUGH. But yet, im still hopelessly clinging on to this. I relly hate myself for that. I mean after what you have done to me, aft how you left me, you aint worth that waiting. So what the hell am i doing then? looking at your bloody name jsut makes me want to cry. and even as im typing this,m im crying. But do you give a shit? no, its you and your dman life, how you';re messing it up. Weel its your choice. You dont want me in your damn life anymore. So? What can i do. And even if there are guys interested in me right now, I dont give a shit. talking is one thing. Aint you talkign to other girls too now? And you are happily, at least appearing, and you tell me, you are not happy, and i dont understand. and then again you say i am happy, because of how i look. But when i say i am not what i look, you dont believe. you are so damn unreasonable please. You expect me to believ you that you are not happy when you appear happy, but you dont blieve that im not as happy as i look. I got nothing to say.
Please. Even though i do still love you. Let me try to be happy, at least for xmas.
Friday, December 14, 2007
It's my first today. By myself. And there will be many more of todays next year. Shit. I don't like this feeling. I hate today. But I really miss today. Whatever.
Daughtry
Used To
Chris Daughtry
You used to talk to me like
I was the only one around.
You used to lean on me like
The only other choice was falling down.
You used to walk with me like
We had nowhere we needed to go,
Nice and slow, to no place in particular.
We used to have this figured out;
We used to breathe without a doubt.
When nights were clear, you were the first star that I'd see.
We used to have this under control.
We never thought.
We used to know.
At least there's you, and at least there's me.
Can we get this back?
Can we get this back to how it used to be?
I used to reach for you when
I got lost along the way.
I used to listen.
You always had just the right thing to say.
I used to follow you.
Never really cared where we would go,
Fast or slow, to anywhere at all.
We used to have this figured out;
We used to breathe without a doubt.
When nights were clear, you were the first star that I'd see.
We used to have this under control.
We never thought.
We used to know.
At least there's you, and at least there's me.
Can we get this back?
Can we get this back to how it used to be?
I look around me,
And I want you to be there
'Cause I miss the things that we shared.
Look around you.
It's empty, and you're sad
'Cause you miss the love that we had.
You used to talk to me like
I was the only one around,
The only one around.
We used to have this figured out;
We used to breathe without a doubt.
When nights were clear, you were the first star that I'd see.
We used to have this under control.
We never thought.
We used to know.
At least there's you, and at least there's me.
Can we get this back?
Can we get this back to how it used to be? Yeah.
To how it used to be.
To how it used to be, yeah.
To how it used to be.
To how it used to be.
Daughtry
Used To
Chris Daughtry
You used to talk to me like
I was the only one around.
You used to lean on me like
The only other choice was falling down.
You used to walk with me like
We had nowhere we needed to go,
Nice and slow, to no place in particular.
We used to have this figured out;
We used to breathe without a doubt.
When nights were clear, you were the first star that I'd see.
We used to have this under control.
We never thought.
We used to know.
At least there's you, and at least there's me.
Can we get this back?
Can we get this back to how it used to be?
I used to reach for you when
I got lost along the way.
I used to listen.
You always had just the right thing to say.
I used to follow you.
Never really cared where we would go,
Fast or slow, to anywhere at all.
We used to have this figured out;
We used to breathe without a doubt.
When nights were clear, you were the first star that I'd see.
We used to have this under control.
We never thought.
We used to know.
At least there's you, and at least there's me.
Can we get this back?
Can we get this back to how it used to be?
I look around me,
And I want you to be there
'Cause I miss the things that we shared.
Look around you.
It's empty, and you're sad
'Cause you miss the love that we had.
You used to talk to me like
I was the only one around,
The only one around.
We used to have this figured out;
We used to breathe without a doubt.
When nights were clear, you were the first star that I'd see.
We used to have this under control.
We never thought.
We used to know.
At least there's you, and at least there's me.
Can we get this back?
Can we get this back to how it used to be? Yeah.
To how it used to be.
To how it used to be, yeah.
To how it used to be.
To how it used to be.
Saturday, December 08, 2007
This entry is specially dedicated to Rachel Ong. And it's a late entry too, because I had many things to do before. So this thank you is late. Sorry k! She's really my bestest bestest friend. She's been so so so nice, like seriously. The first and only person who knows what really happen, as in in details and everything. First person who actually lifted up my spirits, and let me realised that this isn't the end kind of thing. She's a friend, my friend, that will always be there for you. Uh hopefully, because goodness knows where she might disappear to the next year ):
There's actually a lot a lot i want to say, but i don't know how to start and all. She actually gave me a cup, similar to what she's using, because she wants me to think of her when i drink, HAHA, which is really very amusing. Hmm, and then she lend me Baby Blues! I've finished reading already, yay my all-time favourite! She also gave me this Little Miss Fickle shirt, which was kind of sweet, althoough she says she didnt want it. :ppppp But its the thought that counts! And she also gave me this calligraphy piece of hers, that talented girl. I'm so freaking jealous. I'll never be able to write so well. Let me show you a picture of what she gave/lend me. :D
Aiyah shit, i just realised I should have written this post in a one to one thing, and not like a third person. So if rachel's reading this, just treat all the "she" as "you" so its like, you are and will be my bestest bestest friend ever! Haha yeah. Aiyah i really miss her/you. Fine, i shall direct my words to rachel. Come back quick! how can you stand taking all the tests overseas when it's holiday! You better come back by 14th, when I'm back in SG too. I miss you man. Let's go out again, like um to watch movie or anything. You must be happily shopping in melbourne now. Buy something cheap for me k! If you happen to chance across this entry while you're STILL there. AND I LOVE YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU! :D Hughughug!
There's actually a lot a lot i want to say, but i don't know how to start and all. She actually gave me a cup, similar to what she's using, because she wants me to think of her when i drink, HAHA, which is really very amusing. Hmm, and then she lend me Baby Blues! I've finished reading already, yay my all-time favourite! She also gave me this Little Miss Fickle shirt, which was kind of sweet, althoough she says she didnt want it. :ppppp But its the thought that counts! And she also gave me this calligraphy piece of hers, that talented girl. I'm so freaking jealous. I'll never be able to write so well. Let me show you a picture of what she gave/lend me. :D
Aiyah shit, i just realised I should have written this post in a one to one thing, and not like a third person. So if rachel's reading this, just treat all the "she" as "you" so its like, you are and will be my bestest bestest friend ever! Haha yeah. Aiyah i really miss her/you. Fine, i shall direct my words to rachel. Come back quick! how can you stand taking all the tests overseas when it's holiday! You better come back by 14th, when I'm back in SG too. I miss you man. Let's go out again, like um to watch movie or anything. You must be happily shopping in melbourne now. Buy something cheap for me k! If you happen to chance across this entry while you're STILL there. AND I LOVE YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU! :D Hughughug!